3/21/08

This is one of those times where it would be really nice to have someone here to give me a huge hug, a kiss on the forehead, and a whisper in my ear telling me everything is going to be okay.
Unfortuneately, I know that has very little chance of happening.

"He had a sensation of anxiety and shame, a sensitivity acute beyond usefulness, as if the nervous system, flayed of its old hide of social usage, must record every touch of pain."

Today started out being pretty good.
I got the chance to sleep in, which rarely happens anymore, and the gigantic fight I had with my mom (which pushed me to the point of nearly moving out) had blown over, and the sun was shining outside.
Yeah, I know, cheesey.
But whatever.

But then earlier tonight, I was sitting and thinking about certain things. The pit of my stomach started to twist and turn. It felt like something bad was either going on with someone i know, or something really bad was gonna happen soon.
I am rarely wrong on those hunches.

Well, that feeling kept growing and growing.The knot in my stomach got bigger and bigger rather quickly. My heart was racing by this point.
A few more minutes pass, and my chest in uncomfortably tight. It was getting really hard to breathe or even think straight.

At the moment, I was in the process of looking up pictures and quotes so I could get motivated to write.
It wasn’t gonna happen.
I pretty much slammed the screen on the computer down, tossed it onto the arm of the couch, and proceeded to curl up in the fetal position.
I couldn’t think of anything besides "Oh my god. What’s happening? Why can’t I fucking breathe?"
Then the tears came.
Salty, wet, and warm, they rolled across my cheecks.
I didn’t know what was going on.
It was so hard to explain why I felt like this.
I tried to describe it and I came up short for words.
All I could say was "I was stressed. About everything. It feels like everyone hates me and everyone’s leaving."
And that really was what it has felt like.
I can’t tell you why. And I wish I could.
More minutes passed. And it should have been over with. But it wasn’t.
I still couldn’t breathe, couldn’t get enough air.
So I decided to take a walk.
Without telling anyone where I was going (The only one up at... 12:45? was my brother anyway.) I walked out the door and up the street to the park. Once there, I just sat. I couldn’t think. Nor did I want to.
Half an our later I ended up back home.


Since then, I have been trying so hard to keep my cool.
Trying so hard to keep it together.
And I really don’t know what to do.
I’m still feeling the after-effects.
And I’m quite frankly scared shitless.

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This is a perilous road we walk.
We are treading a thin line.
You made it look so easy.