1/3/09

The small room smelled of piss and spilled liquor, as most hostels do. Knees curled to chest, I rocked back and forth. This motion had become routine. I slept very little, fearing the images that I knew waited behind my heavy lids. Each second seemed to drag on for eons. Each "click" of the clock hand a sonic boom. A lone candle flickered, throwing shadows- shadows that surely contained my demons- across the damp, water-stained walls. A slight rapping at the door broke my trance momentarily. Stumbling across the floor I reached out for the handle. It creaked open slightly, a certain slant of light falling sharply across the floor. Vision blurred, I hardly noticed how fast the floor was coming up to meet me. The only thing I really noticed was the absence of a dull thud. I saved that thought for later as unconsciousness took over.

Breathe in, breathe out. The air was like fire to my lungs. Unmerciful, unyielding, unstoppable. My fists were clenched tightly and my body continuously shook in small tremors. The sounds of voices filled my head- soft, alluring, deceiving. My eyes snapped open and a terrifying scream tore from my lips. My demons were back again. They could not be drowned no matter how hard or how often I tried. All at once you were there, arms wrapped tight around me to keep me in my skin, lips to my ear assuring me it was all over now. "Lies!" I screamed. "How can I be okay?" I sobbed. "Please, just don't go." I whispered. And you didn't. You just lay there with me, soaking into my pores. The dark slowly receded and the sunrise took its place. Hues of yellow, pink and orange warmed up the small room. Still you lay there stroking my hair and whispering sweet lullabies into my ear. I smiled to myself. I had no past. No Present. No future. I just was. I turned to look at you. You who had the same smile playing across his features. That smile, however, soon faded and was replaced by a look of pure surprise, pure amazement, pure awe. I watched your eyes as they followed the curves of my body. Your hand began to trace delicately across my skin, as if you were sure I was merely an apparition. My eyes looked to the trail your fingers were tracing and soon I too was filled with amazement. For wounds broke violently across my skin in an effort to tear me apart. But wherever your hand touched, they were erased and my skin was left pristine and perfect. I never thought it was possible but here it was- a miracle before my very eyes.

A miracle or an illusion? Simply another delusion? My mind had given fancy to those as of late. Hallucinations. How did I know you're real? How did I know I'm real? As the thought weaved itself in and out through my cerebral cortex, I could feel it! A million little worms, a static whisper manifesting itself in the different lobes partitioned by scientists. Frontal lobe. My reasoning is shot. My emotions non existent. All logic and problem solving gone. Parietal lobe. My orientation flickers and goes out like a birthday candle. I no longer recognize most stimuli. My perception of those stimuli i do recognize is altered. Occipital lobe. My vision is gone. I see nothing. Temporal lobe. All those memories are gone. Not just the bad ones, the ones that make my skin crawl, the ones that make me grit my teeth, but the good ones as well. Our first kiss? Never happened. Your face? Who the hell are you? I can feel the shaking and I braced myself against it. A sharp intake of air and I'm brought back. Another dream. Another panic attack. The look of wonder replaced by creases and lines in your face. This is the look of concern. You pressed your lips lightly to mine seeking some way to comfort me, and i retaliated feverishly. I had to have you. I needed you. Only you could make the panic leave my bones without even a fleeting glance back.



(this is not done.)